I am scared. I now women give birth to healthy little babies every day, but I am scared. Scared of the pain, scared something could go wrong, scared that I won’t know what to do when the baby gets here. I’m scared I’m not prepared (even though I know that’s crazy because I’ve planned just about everything I can control). I’ve been watching “A Baby Story” and “Bringing Home Baby” and even “16 and Pregnant,” and it seems like everyone goes for the epidural. I don’t want an epidural. I’m more scared of the epidural than the pain. I don’t want anybody putting anything anywhere near my spine. I’m scared to death of having a c-section. For these reasons, I’ve decided not to have a hospital birth.
My husband supports it. My best friend supports it. My father thinks I’m nuts, but he’s always thought that. My mother is against it. She wants to know what my backup plan is. If anything is wrong, the birthing center will transfer me to the hospital (the same hospital I went to 2 summers ago when I was sick). She wants to know why I don’t want to go to a hospital. I told her I don’t want to be rushed into a c-section, I don’t want pitocin or any other crazy drugs, I don’t want needles anywhere near me, and babies can get sick in hospitals, too. She wants to know how we’re going to pay for it. Insurance covers some, if not all of the costs of the birthing center. If I had the baby in a hospital, I’d still have to figure out a way to pay for it, wouldn’t I?
This whole pregnancy thing is still kind of weird. A person is growing inside of me. A person is going to have to come out of me. I’m responsible for the feeding, care, and upbringing of this little person. I have to decide what it eats, when it eats, how it will get here, and how it will live when it does get here. This isn’t like having a goldfish, or a dog. This is serious.
Even though I’ve picked out most of what I think we’ll need, I’m still feeling like I haven’t figured the whole thing out. Hubby feels like I haven’t included him enough. He shows me things, and I tell him I picked one out already. He wants to be a part of the registry, and all the “dad” stuff. I told him when we actually go to the store, he can pick out the stuff he likes. He’s already chosen a few outfits if it’s a boy. He told me that our clothing styles clearly differ, and when he takes the baby there will be a separate “dad wardrobe.” I know this is going to be fun, but it’s also going to be a journey. I’m still learning how to be a wife, and soon I’ll have to learn to be a mom.